At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
