Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
