hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
