you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
