were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
