i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
