if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
