Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Are my feet made of real feet?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
