In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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