I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
