i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
