It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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