also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
