I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
NoShamevember. You game?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
