Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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