dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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