I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
