Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
