Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
