Got a toothbrush?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
