Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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