Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
