We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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