I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
