im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
