I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
