Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
