Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
