you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
