Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
