I smell stomach acid.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We are two peas in an std pod
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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