3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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