My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
