Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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