walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
