every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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