im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
NoShamevember. You game?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
