and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
