i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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