you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
