Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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