Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
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