I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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