we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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