im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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