I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
