Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
