best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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