i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Randomize
