p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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