Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
