As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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