My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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