I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
