When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
