please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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