i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
