I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize