Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
