Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
