Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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