All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Hippo gnu deer
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
