did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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